Fantastic Four (2015)

In lieu of an actual review what follows is a text message conversation between my wife and I as I watched Josh Trank’s Fantastic Four. I know it’s lazy but this movie exhausted me.

(Warning: this entry contains spoilers.)

Me [19:00]
F4 starts with fucking kids btw

Me [19:00]
reed and ben as like, nine year olds

Wife [19:00]
Ew nobody cares

Me [19:01]
also baby reed is building a teleporter in his garage

Wife [19:01]
Of course he is

Me [19:02]
…by turning a shit ton of N64s into a parallel processor

Me [19:02]

Me [19:09]
it’s almost difficult to determine just how bad this movie is so far

Wife [19:09]
It’s basically 2 movies in one

Me [19:09]
yeah i heard

Me [19:09]
the studio forced them to make it more mainstream or whatever

Wife [19:10]

Me [19:10]
but there are some interesting ideas

Me [19:11]
the baxter foundation is like a magnet high school

Wife [19:12]

Me [19:12]
but i dont think it’s supposed to be a public school

Me [19:12]
anyway, the 4 are like seventeen or eighteen i guess

Me [19:14]
and this teleporter that reed builds, he and ben refine it until some high school science fair when sue’s adopted dad invites him to the baxter foundation

Me [19:16]

Me [19:16]

Me [19:16]
sue just dubbed victor “dr. doom” in the most ham-fisted way possible

Wife [19:16]

Me [19:17]
it’s vic, sue, reed, and sue’s dad looking at video from the negative zone or whatever this other dimension is

Me [19:17]
the teleportation thing sends things to the other dimension, and reed’s the first one who figure out how to bring shit back

Wife [19:17]
I’m gonna watch this eventually

Wife [19:17]
Don’t tell me anything

Me [19:17]
oh, okay

Wife [19:17]
Or everything anyway

Me [19:18]
well vic’s complaining that “the people in charge of the world are the one’s running it into the ground” and she’s all “wow, dr. doom over here”

Me [19:18]

Wife [19:18]

Me [19:21]
the guy who plays sue’s dad? his voice is the deepest thing in the universe

Wife [19:21]

Me [19:27]
so… this actually isn’t horrifying so far. kids, stupid ‘dr. doom’ quip, but otherwise it’s not making me hate life

Wife [19:27]

Me [19:28]
the leader from hulk, though? he’s supposed to be the big scary businessman in a suit

Me [19:28]
and i do not buy it

Wife [19:30]

Wife [19:34]

Me [19:35]
he does a pretty good job of being the right kind of super nerd

Me [19:36]
like, reed’s unnaturally unaware of human emotion and how to interact, but still confident

Me [19:37]
also johnny gets some good lines so far

Wife [19:38]

Me [19:38]

Me [19:41]
god the madeup science bullshit

At this point (during the first visit to “planet ZER0” — and no, I’m not kidding about that name) I sat and watched the rest of the movie without running commentary. Once it was obviously in its last minutes I picked back up.

Me [20:31]
god this movie is shit

Me [20:32]
and you can tell exactly where they said, ‘nope, fuck that, change the movie’

Wife [20:33]
I heard

Me [20:33]
also, there’s a secret government science facility called area 57

Me [20:33]
i shit you not

Me [20:39]
i’m literally sitting here dumbfounded by what i just watched

Wife [20:39]
So I shouldn’t watch it?

Me [20:39]
[A friend] came in a few minutes before it ended to ask me what the fuck i was watching and i couldn’t put three words together to explain what was happening

Me [20:40]
nonono, you absolutely should

Me [20:40]
we should all get together and watch this sober so you can all understand why i feel like my brain has detatched from my spine and is walking around the room

Me [20:41]
this is the worst movie i’ve ever watched, which is saying something because the beginning actually had some concepts that i liked

Wife [20:41]

Me [20:41]
i just read that some critic called it “a 100 minute trailer for a movie that never happened”

Me [20:41]
which is kind of… shockingly accurate

Wife [20:41]
That’s kind of like Jem

Me [20:43]
but jem had a plot all the way through

Me [20:43]
this one had like, a plot that it eventually abandoned and then half of another that wasn’t very good even if it was fully formed

Me [20:44]
i really need to watch something worthwhile to get that out of my head

Me [20:44]
holy fucking shit

Wife [20:46]

Me [20:46]
i sincerely hope they don’t make a sequel and that the rights revert back to marvel

Me [20:47]
and i hope feige has the sense to set the FF back on a shelf where they belong and never try to make another movie for them

Me [20:47]
i’m actually mad at this movie

Wife [20:47]
He won’t. Spider-Man

Me [20:48]
for about twenty minutes this movie made me think “holy shit, maybe there /is/ a way to make a relevant, interesting, compelling FF origin story in a modern setting”

Me [20:48]
and then it took all those ideas and promise and shit allllll over it until the amount of shit reached critical mass and imploded upon itself, creating a black hole of misery and nerdrage

Me [20:49]
you have to see this fucking movie


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